Attack of the Lobster!

I have to confess, I'm not a lobster fan. Give me shrimp, fried clams, calamari if you must, mussels in a pinch, but forget lobster. Part of this goes back to my time attending Sayville United Methodist Church. They used to hold a "Clam Fest" fundraiser on the Saturday of Sayville's Summerfest weekend (August 1-3, 2008). We'd spend several days cooking endless gallons of clam chowder and bake countless clam pies; and on Clam Fest day we'd take orders for Lobster dinners. One year I brought one home for my wife and managed to spill it on the floor mat of my car. Let's just say that you cannot get the smell of lobster out of automotive upholstery - I had to buy new floor mats! You know how hot your car gets during the month of August; well add in "eau de homard" and you've got yourself a real smelly situation. I've never been able to stand the smell of cooking lobster since.

Back in 2007 my older brother introduced one of his grandsons to a lobster, and from the attached picture it looks like it wasn't a happy event!

Earlier this year I was doing a series of cooking classes for a client, and pretty soon he wanted to learn about cooking lobster. I bought the wee beasties, put them on ice in a cooler and headed to the client's home. The client's young son, maybe all of three years old, was home and wasn't content to leave his dad alone to cook with the chef. Somewhat sadistically (must run in the family) I suggested he introduce his son to the contents of the cooler, figuring the child would beat a hasty retreat once the lobsters started moving, thereby letting us get on with our cooking. Just to show you how much I know about children, the kid couldn't keep his hands off the lobster, wanting to pet it and pick it up! Mom eventually took the boy out to run some errands, and his father & I cooked the lobsters. Upon his return the child resumed pestering his father, so I tried to divert his attention back to the lobsters, which were now fully cooked, red & steamy, resting on the kitchen table. I got my wish in dramatic fashion - the boy ran screaming from the room, now terrified of them!

You can't blame me, though; I'm simply a product of my education. During a seafood lesson at my culinary school, the instructor - a sarcastic French chef who probably watches each episode of "Hell's Kitchen" with glee - introduced our class to the technique of 'hypnotizing a lobster'. He stood the thing on its head and rubbed it, causing it to completely relax. A bizarre concept I grant you, but when butchering meat you want the animal to be as calm and relaxed as possible; it is said that agitation can cause the meat to come out tough (in the beef industry it can definitely cause a "dark cutting" where the meat turns deep purple instead of bright red). Anyway, our sadistic chef then simultaneously described how to dispatch the lobster while rather loudly thumping the thing flat onto a cutting board and driving a knife through its head. This caused all the girls in the class to swoon, and no doubt gave our Gallic goofball chef his jollies for the day.

So what have we learned today? Diapers and lobsters do NOT mix, and cooking lobster should probably be left to women, instead of men who seem to enjoy playing with the damn things!